When I first started going to the gym, I was always anxious to be there. I was scared to embarrass myself, I was scared I wasn’t good enough to be there. I thought that once I could lift enough, I would belong. Or once I could do a pull-up, I could be comfortable.
Nowadays, I can do all things I dreamed of years ago. And yet, I’m still timid. I still feel anxious doing new workouts, I’m still worried about embarrassing myself, and I’m scared to workout in new places.
Lately this feeling of anxiety and not belonging has been extra true, its why I haven’t been posting. Anything I could have said would have been a lie. I haven’t been comfortable lately, I’ve been nervous and self-conscious in all that I do. I think I’ve been pushing so hard to be a person I made up in my head that I forgot who I’d really like to be.
I had a birthday a few weeks ago. Birthday’s are always hard for me, I think over the past year and realize how many things I wanted to do but didn’t. I see all the things that I missed out on because I was too scared or too embarrassed. This year was the first time I truly realized how much older I’ve gotten and how much I’m still letting myself miss. The time goes by so fast now, I’m scared I’m going to miss it all.
Maybe, for me, the gym-jitters are something I’ll never truly get over; being self-conscious is just a part of who I am. But I think its important to keep pushing myself to do more things that scare me, how else could I grow? I’m tired of missing out.
Anne Wise 